Sometimes interacting with customers was like interacting with aliens. I created a name for it: intergalactic relations. How else could you characterise the legions of glassy-eyed, caffeine-fueled commuters in their power -- hey, hurry the latte up, the train's coming! -- suits? Or the suburban moms with their manicures, pushing yacht-sized baby strollers; or the skinny girls barely pushing teenage-hood, snapping bubble gum and talking on pink Razrs ...
I was Anakin Skywalker roaming the far reaches of space, hearing alien communications over my radio. But while we worked closely with these life-forms, my co-workers and I rarely learned their names. So we made up our own names for them.
There's Hot Dad, Cappucino Lady, Braided Dancer Girl, My Boyfriend, the Pedophile, Buffalo Chicken Guy, Skeletor, Crazy Dog Woman, and Floor Guy -- just to name a few. I'll get into specifics later. But I just have to say that without a doubt, the unquestioned Queen of Strangeness in the Dragonfly System was -- is -- Whipped Cream Lady.
Prepare yourselves, and may the Force be with you.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Bonnie's Least Favourite Things to Hear
I worked with Bonnie pretty consistently during my time at the Dfly, and it was she who told me to start recording some of the shit that goes down. She sent me this list of frequently asked and unfortunately quite moronic questions that remiss customers ask her. I've included her commentary (and some of mine):
The List
1)"Do you have coffee?"
What? Are you kidding me? I understand it doesn't say Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts on our awning outside but I feel that it is pretty evident as soon as you walk through the door and SMELL the Dragonfly or perhaps look to the ENTIRE WALL FULL OF COFFEE that yes, we do in fact sell coffee here.
2)"Do you have any more seating/tables?"
This really wants to make me strangle the person who dares ask this question. If you go to a restaurant and they tell you there's a wait do you ask them if they have more tables?? It's a ridiculously busy weekend afternoon in nice weather. Thus, we are packed...so NO we don't have anymore friggin' tables!! If we did, don't you think we would have put them out by now? Also, where would you like me to put this imaginary extra table anyway? On the ceiling? Sometimes when people ask this question I feel like telling them that we have a VIP section in the back and then taking them and locking them out in the alley.
3) This isn't a question per se but I LOVE when people come in and use Starbucks terminology but don't even use it correctly. "Can I have a TALL cappuccino?" So I say, "So you want a small cappuccino then?" "No, I want a large." OMG! If you wanted large, you couldn't have just said that in the first place??? TALL = SMALL at Starbucks you idiot!
I completely agree. I used to shout down customers who did this: "This isn't Starbucks! This is the real world!" or "You mean you want a SMALL?" -- Leonore
4) " Uhhhh ..... "
When I ask a customer "What size would you like" and they do a little "Ooooh..." and give me a blank dead behind the eyes stare like I just asked them the most preposterous question they have ever been asked in their entire lives. "Size?" They'll say and then I'll point behind me to the small, medium and large cups that are clearly labeled to aid the customer in such an instance. Sometimes they become clearly unable to cope with such a life-altering question and will just give up and say "Ohhh I guess I'll just have a small," as if I was timing their response. Such an incident will generally lead to them changing their minds halfway through..."Actually, can you make that a medium, I didn't know how small the small was." What??? I just pointed out ALL the sizes to you!!!
5) "Do you have lids for these cups?"
I have to sigh to myself here for a moment. Listen, I'm sorry that we don't treat you like babies and do everything for you here. I'm sorry that we let you fix your coffee exactly how you like it by providing every sweetener known to mankind as well as skim milk, whole milk, 1/2 and 1/2 AND soy milk as well as an array of other crap such as cocoa powder, nutmeg and cinnamon to put in your beverage. So, by providing you with all of these things would we really NOT provide you with a lid to put on your beverage? Really? Oh, wait, we DO! AND guess what, if you actually look an inch to your left or behind you you would see that we even let you choose what type of lid to put on your cup!!! If you used your brain, maybe you wouldn't have to ask me these questions.
The List
1)"Do you have coffee?"
What? Are you kidding me? I understand it doesn't say Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts on our awning outside but I feel that it is pretty evident as soon as you walk through the door and SMELL the Dragonfly or perhaps look to the ENTIRE WALL FULL OF COFFEE that yes, we do in fact sell coffee here.
2)"Do you have any more seating/tables?"
This really wants to make me strangle the person who dares ask this question. If you go to a restaurant and they tell you there's a wait do you ask them if they have more tables?? It's a ridiculously busy weekend afternoon in nice weather. Thus, we are packed...so NO we don't have anymore friggin' tables!! If we did, don't you think we would have put them out by now? Also, where would you like me to put this imaginary extra table anyway? On the ceiling? Sometimes when people ask this question I feel like telling them that we have a VIP section in the back and then taking them and locking them out in the alley.
3) This isn't a question per se but I LOVE when people come in and use Starbucks terminology but don't even use it correctly. "Can I have a TALL cappuccino?" So I say, "So you want a small cappuccino then?" "No, I want a large." OMG! If you wanted large, you couldn't have just said that in the first place??? TALL = SMALL at Starbucks you idiot!
I completely agree. I used to shout down customers who did this: "This isn't Starbucks! This is the real world!" or "You mean you want a SMALL?" -- Leonore
4) " Uhhhh ..... "
When I ask a customer "What size would you like" and they do a little "Ooooh..." and give me a blank dead behind the eyes stare like I just asked them the most preposterous question they have ever been asked in their entire lives. "Size?" They'll say and then I'll point behind me to the small, medium and large cups that are clearly labeled to aid the customer in such an instance. Sometimes they become clearly unable to cope with such a life-altering question and will just give up and say "Ohhh I guess I'll just have a small," as if I was timing their response. Such an incident will generally lead to them changing their minds halfway through..."Actually, can you make that a medium, I didn't know how small the small was." What??? I just pointed out ALL the sizes to you!!!
5) "Do you have lids for these cups?"
I have to sigh to myself here for a moment. Listen, I'm sorry that we don't treat you like babies and do everything for you here. I'm sorry that we let you fix your coffee exactly how you like it by providing every sweetener known to mankind as well as skim milk, whole milk, 1/2 and 1/2 AND soy milk as well as an array of other crap such as cocoa powder, nutmeg and cinnamon to put in your beverage. So, by providing you with all of these things would we really NOT provide you with a lid to put on your beverage? Really? Oh, wait, we DO! AND guess what, if you actually look an inch to your left or behind you you would see that we even let you choose what type of lid to put on your cup!!! If you used your brain, maybe you wouldn't have to ask me these questions.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Die Kämpfe dieses Kaffees
Battle Starbucks. Battle kitsch. Battle boredom. Battle your dick neighbours who should be selling ice cream, think they can sell espresso.
Battle bitchy customers, especially those who don't tip. Yes, your tea costs $3.00. What? You're indignant? Shut up and give me your money.
Battle people who pay with crumpled dollar bills. Battle mischievous kids sneaking in the back door. Battle the mushrooms under the sink, the rats in the basement, oh fuck battle the zombies in the basement.
Battle double shifts. Battle your co-workers by leaving vitriolic messages in the communications book. Battle dirt, burns, deranged patrons, broken mugs, faulty appliances, the tubs of butter & cream cheese.
These are die Kämpfe dieses Kaffees: the struggles of this coffeeshop.
Battle bitchy customers, especially those who don't tip. Yes, your tea costs $3.00. What? You're indignant? Shut up and give me your money.
Battle people who pay with crumpled dollar bills. Battle mischievous kids sneaking in the back door. Battle the mushrooms under the sink, the rats in the basement, oh fuck battle the zombies in the basement.
Battle double shifts. Battle your co-workers by leaving vitriolic messages in the communications book. Battle dirt, burns, deranged patrons, broken mugs, faulty appliances, the tubs of butter & cream cheese.
These are die Kämpfe dieses Kaffees: the struggles of this coffeeshop.
About the place ...
The distinctive blue-edged windows have now been replaced, but the Dragonfly's facade has persisted, fairly unchanged, for eight years now. Or is it nine? I'm fuzzy on the details. A tree perches on the sidewalk; nearby, a few garden tables are clustered by the wall. Through the windows the silhouette of that Javanese dancer is visible.
Inside it is significantly dimmer, as about 30% of the paper lanterns overhead are defunct. After sunset reading inside is a bit of a strain (trust me, I've tried), but during the day the west-facing windows are the perfect addition to one's novel & cafe au lait.
The round tile tables are looking appropriately weathered. Every year some newcomer stands up too quickly, knocking the top to the floor where it shatters and, in retribution, coats his trousers in yellow dust. Nearly stands the huge table, which Lisa insists comes from an opium den. If this is true, I feel sorry for it. Opium was probably fun; now, it's reduced to a receptacle of kitsch.
The long wall displaying coffee beans, which an inquisitive child will occasionally spill. The shelves of various, unexplainable merchandise -- dog biscuits? Menorahs?
And the counter, behind which lurk the coffee slaves in some stage of caffeine addiction -- alternately hyper, sarcastic, delirious, bad-tempered, obsequious and blank -- but always up for a good bitching session.
Inside it is significantly dimmer, as about 30% of the paper lanterns overhead are defunct. After sunset reading inside is a bit of a strain (trust me, I've tried), but during the day the west-facing windows are the perfect addition to one's novel & cafe au lait.
The round tile tables are looking appropriately weathered. Every year some newcomer stands up too quickly, knocking the top to the floor where it shatters and, in retribution, coats his trousers in yellow dust. Nearly stands the huge table, which Lisa insists comes from an opium den. If this is true, I feel sorry for it. Opium was probably fun; now, it's reduced to a receptacle of kitsch.
The long wall displaying coffee beans, which an inquisitive child will occasionally spill. The shelves of various, unexplainable merchandise -- dog biscuits? Menorahs?
And the counter, behind which lurk the coffee slaves in some stage of caffeine addiction -- alternately hyper, sarcastic, delirious, bad-tempered, obsequious and blank -- but always up for a good bitching session.
Exposé
I worked at the Dragonfly for ten months and left in the summer of 2007, in favour of bigger prospects -- like university, and not constantly smelling of coffee. It was a decent job, even if I did bitch nonstop about it for the duration of my working there. And in any case, it engendered some good stories.
The stories. I live in Scotland now (hence the spellings), but am currently home for a few days on break and was recently prodded by a former co-worker to start an "Overheard in the Dragonfly" Facebook group. I thought I would one-up her by starting an actual blog.
Topics of discussion should include the eponymous Dragonfly Crazies, various plant and animal life unique to this café, and various snippets of conversation. I'll try to keep it less than libelous, lest I get lambasted by a lawsuit. In any case, enjoy. :)
Leonore
The stories. I live in Scotland now (hence the spellings), but am currently home for a few days on break and was recently prodded by a former co-worker to start an "Overheard in the Dragonfly" Facebook group. I thought I would one-up her by starting an actual blog.
Topics of discussion should include the eponymous Dragonfly Crazies, various plant and animal life unique to this café, and various snippets of conversation. I'll try to keep it less than libelous, lest I get lambasted by a lawsuit. In any case, enjoy. :)
Leonore
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